Do you ever just have one of those days when everything is kind of weird? Today was a weird day. Maybe it was weird because I actually left the house…or maybe it was weird because it never seemed to begin or maybe it was weird because it was still light out at 5:00 this evening. All of those things were weird. There was other weirdness, too.
John and I had two appointments to look at houses this afternoon. The lease is up for our cute little yellow house and I’m afraid our landlord wants to sell it. We’d have first dibs, of course, but John thinks it’s too small for us. I agree, but it makes me sad because I love my little yellow house…even if it is bursting at the seams.
The first appointment of the afternoon was just down the street a ways, in the same neighborhood we’re in right now. We were excited about this prospect because we really don’t want to go too far from The Baby Fletcher and we also really like the neighborhood (even if it is in peril all the time from that darn mountain…that’s what you get when you live near a volcano, though). John and I got all spruced up–I even did my hair and wore mascara 
–but the second we walked into this house, we wanted to walk right out! It was so…weird! First of all, it’s only 5 years old and it’s got a lot of upgrades in it (slate floors, stainless steel appliances,etc), but the walls were just trashed! The grass in the backyard was saturated with dog ick and I really couldn’t tell what happened to the spindle staircase and banister…I just knew it was bad! The carpets were stained, the light fixtures were falling apart, even the air vent (way up in the 9 foot ceiling) was bent! 
How does one bend a vent that’s in the ceiling unless they were hanging from it!? The whole thing was just terrible and, what’s worse, the owner of the house made absolutely no mention of it! I half-expected him to start explaining things right away, like “We’ll be repainting the walls and getting new carpets so no need to worry there,” but he didn’t say anything! It was like he didn’t know it was in poor shape or something. Needless to say, we got out of there quick!
I tried really hard not to say anything on the way to the car because I didn’t know if John was as grossed out as I was. But, before we even reached the car, John said, “I think I might have to take a shower when we get home. I feel all contaminated!” We both burst out laughing and got in the car, glad that neither one of us had to talk the other out of renting that catastrophe! Then, as the laughter subsided, John said, “No…really. Do you think I should take a shower? I mean that place was horrible. There could be airborne pestilence or something there.” I just smiled and made a mental note to pull the jug of Dial out from under the sink when we got home so he could, at least, get the pestilence off his hands. Poor man. It’s a wonder we live and breathe. 
Our second appointment was a few hours later. We didn’t have such high hopes going into this one as we did the last, but we needn’t have discouraged ourselves. The house glowed. It was brand new and gorgeous! The rent is a little steeper than we’d like it to be, but the bonus room upstairs is amazing and would be perfect for the business. I had good feelings about it until I started asking the owner some basic rental questions, like, “Should something go wrong with anything in the house, would we contact you to get it fixed?” The question was met with silence and a confused look, until he finally said, “Well, if the heater went out or something, I guess you could call me.” Ummmmmm…ok. On to question #2:
“I notice you’ve not put the backyard in yet. Are you planning to put in a lawn?”
“No. I don’t think it needs it. I guess you could let the weeds grow, though, and mow those.”
“So, you’re not planning on putting in a yard? Isn’t that against the homeowner’s policy?”
“No, I don’t think so. They gave me a notice once about the weeds. So, I mowed it and then I put some Roundup around.”
Roundup…great. So, the weeds are still there, but nothing else will be able to grow for 2 -4 years due to the ground contamination!
“You could put in a yard, if you wanted,” he said.
“At our expense?”
“Sure.”
Uh-huh. Something was telling me that this dude had no idea what he was doing. That was particularly evident when John asked what kind of deposit he was looking for.
“Oh, well, $2000 for security deposit because it’s a new house. Then, first and last month’s rent and application fee and $200 for me to run your credit.”
“Run our credit? We’re not buying the house, though. We’re renting it.”
“Yeah, but I’ll need your credit history.”
“Ten years of excellent rental history and references isn’t enough?”
“I don’t know…”
Super! At this point, the dude started talking about his incredibly expensive security system and how each little sensor cost $200 and all you needed to do was tap the window slightly and the silent alarm would go off and alert the police. In fact, if you opened a window, the system would play a tone and say something like, “Window number three is ajar.” The price tag for this stupendous piece of technology is $45 a month, plus any additional fees incurred by false alarms (like a cat tail brushing past the back door or something).
Great…so we’ve got a state of the art security system that’s going to protect all of our stuff (the stuff that’s already protected by renter’s insurance) in the rare instance that a rogue burglar manages to hop 3 fences and meander his way, undetected, to our ultra-protected home that is surrounded on 3 sides by homes with large windows that are less than 20 feet away. And then, all the rogue burglar needs to do is tap his pinky finger on our window and a SWAT team will be dispatched to our location…the location where I am present almost 100% of the time. Money well-spent, man! You’ll spend $8,000 on an alarm system with laser beams, but you won’t give me some sod for the backyard…yeah, that would be a waste! I totally get that. Who needs a yard when you’ve got a house with ultraviolet laser beams? Sheesh!
Somehow, John sensed my interior monologue had grown sarcastic and a tad sullen, so he wasn’t quick to make us turn in an application for the place. He told the silly man that we’d talk it over and get back to him soon. And we did talk…we talked about how ridiculous that man was and how we probably wouldn’t want him as a landlord because he seemed a little out of touch. Ten minutes hadn’t gone by when the silly man called us to tell us he wouldn’t make us pay the last month’s rent to move in. We thanked him and told him we’d be in touch. He called 2 hours after that to tell us that he thought we were very nice people and, if our credit checked out (still with the credit!), he wanted to rent us the house and he’d lower the security deposit. Now, I’m almost wondering if we hold out for another day, maybe we can get him to lower rent by a couple hundred bucks! Then, I might actually consider taking him up on the offer, but only if I get a bunch of stuff in writing from him regarding his duties as a landlord. I’ll also be letting him know that we will never use his security system–unless it’s late and dark and I’m all alone and I hear a scary noise. Then, you better believe I’ll have those ultraviolet laser beams bouncing off the walls!
When we got home, I sensed that Luna (the cat) knew what we’d been doing because she sat and stared at us with narrowed eyes. Then she hopped up onto my work counter and sat with her back to me and her tail twitching. I told her that none of this was my idea and, if it were up to me, I’d buy her the little yellow house with the pretty backyard that we all love so much. I think she believed me. She sat with her back to John for the rest of the evening.
I will now cap off my weird day with some ice cream from the “Tire o’ Ice Cream” that is in my freezer. It just gets weirder and weirder doesn’t it? Yes, my husband has discovered the wonder that is Home Delivered Frozen Food. The frozen food man comes every two weeks and gives us all sorts of wonderful goodies from his large yellow truck and, for our first order, we received a free Nascar Tire Tin full of Mint Chip Swirl Ice Cream! I’ve never eaten ice cream from a tire before, but I’ll tell ya, it’s nice and soft! You know how sometimes those cartons of ice cream turn into steel and not even Superman himself could get a scoop out without bending the scooper and/or ending up with ice cream stuck to the ceiling? Not so with a Nascar Tire Tin! Nice and soft, but still frozen and delicious…though it is a little strange reaching into the freezer and pulling out a tire!
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I’m loving all the links you’ve been posting for this week’s contest! Sorry about the delay to post on some of them. There are a few websites that block “pingbacks” (links), just in case they’re spam or something, so the moderator (that’s me!) must approve them first, just to be sure everything’s legit.
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Daily Progress | Tessa | March 9, 2010 | 
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